Death, no Taxes
by Nette
Summary: Kinda post ep fic for 10.07 - "Death and Taxes". Abby and Susan friendship with a bit of Carby. ; )


**Rating**: PG

**Spoilers**: Not if you saw 10.07 – "Death and Taxes"!

**Summary**: Addition to the last scene of 10.07 – Abby and Susan talk after she leaves the hospital.

**Disclaimer**: I don't own anything … ; )****

**Feedback**: Sure, I'd love to know what you think! nette_mails@yahoo.de or use the review button. ; )

Author's Notes: This is a post ep fic for "Death and Taxes". I wrote it immediately after the ep aired – but didn't have time to post it yet. But now that my exams are over ::yays:: I can finally post it. It's mostly about the friendship between Abby and Susan. But of course Carby has a place in this fic, too – as much as it can while Carter was still in Africa … ; ) 

Thank you Jo for beta reading! ::hugs::

I hope you'll like it a bit – even though I'm really late to post it!

"Death, no Taxes"

"Susan! Hey, Susan!" I yell after her as I see her disappear through the doors to the ambulance bay. 

I didn't see her since she told me to call social service. I want to thank her for helping me and for trusting me. 

"Hey, wait a second," I call after her again as she doesn't stop and I try to catch up with her.

She finally slows down until she comes to a halt and I catch my breath as I reach her.

"Hey, why didn't you wait?" I ask her as I walk around her. 

She stopped walking but she didn't turn around yet.

I'm surprised by the expression I see on her face. She looks sad. But maybe she's just tired. I don't know for how long she's been on today. But I know that she was supposed to be off a while ago already. She even had a mysterious date, but never made it there.

"Sorry, I didn't hear you," she tells me but I can't really buy it. She must be deaf or really deep in thought to not have heard my yelling. But maybe that's what a long shift does to you.

I try to lighten up the situation a bit and give her a small smile. Though what I want to tell her is not exactly a reason to smile.

"I called social service," I tell her. "They took the boyfriend with them. It seems like you were right, it appears it was him who abused the baby." I pause and shake my head. "What on earth makes people let out their anger on innocent babies?"

She sighs deeply. "It's sad, I know. And there's not much we can do."

I sigh, too. "You're right," I say, noticing the awkwardness between us. I don't really know what to do or say. Something seems to be wrong with Susan but I don't know what it is.

"I'm sorry, but I really have to go now. It was a long day and I'm exhausted," she suddenly says as she begins to go on walking.

I don't want to let her go like that. She's not okay for some reason. And I still didn't thank her for what she did today.

"But … what I really wanted to say is _thank you_," I tell her quickly as I grab her arm gently to stop her from walking away.

She looks into my eyes for a moment before she looks away again. "You don't have to thank me for anything. I know that you'll be a great doctor," she says and gives me a weak smile.

I raise my eyebrows. "You believed in me and you helped me when I thought I'd made a mistake. I want to thank you for that."

When I look at her I notice that she's avoiding eye contact most of the time. She's looking at anything but me. At the moment she's staring down.

"Susan?" I say but she doesn't look up. "Did I do something wrong?"

She shakes her head.

"Everything alright?"

She nods. "Yeah, just a long day. As I said."

Maybe she's really tired, but I have a feeling that there's more. Some small talk might help to make her open up a little.

"So no late date then?" I chuckle.

Suddenly her head shoots up and she looks straight into my eyes.

"Sorry, but didn't you say earlier that you were seeing someone _old?" I ask her, a bit surprised by her reaction. I hope I didn't say anything wrong._

"He … he cancelled it," she stammers, looking down again.

"Oh. I'm sorry Susan. Why?" I ask her, putting my hand on her shoulder. It's not the nicest experience to be stood up by someone.

"He … he's dead."

"What?"

"Dead … he killed himself."

I stare at her in disbelief. "Susan, I'm so sorry."

She shrugs her shoulders. "He wanted it."

Her voice is full of sadness. I can't believe what she's telling me.

"Did you know him well?"

She shakes her head. "He was a patient."

"A patient? You were dating a patient?" I ask her confused.

She shakes her head again. "Not really. It was Ben Hollander. He was in the ER a few times."

"I remember him."

"He was going blind slowly. He took it very hard. I felt sorry for him and visited him several times. I read for him in a book and I gave him the puppy Jerry brought to work. He seemed to be better … we were going to meet for dinner tonight … " She sniffles a little before she continues. "But I was busy here and couldn't make it in time. Later Frank told me he cancelled the dinner. And then someone was brought in – a self inflicted gunshot victim. I didn't know who he was until Sam took the mask off his face."

I can tell she's trying hard to hold back tears. I put an arm around her shoulder to comfort her.

"He didn't want to be resuscitated … so we let him die."

Tears are running down her face now slowly and I pull her into my arms.

"I should have seen it, Abby," she mumbles into my jacket. "I should have seen that he was not well. If only I made it in time. He would probably still be alive. I'm sure he thought I was the only person who cared for him and I let him down," she sobs.

"Susan, hey. Don't say that," I tell her and rub her back. "He knew you cared for him. You didn't do anything wrong. It's the opposite. You probably made his life a little brighter. Don't feel bad for that. It was his decision and it had nothing to do with you."

"Then why I do I feel so guilty?"

Now that's a hard question. But I know that feeling all too well. You know you didn't do anything wrong but you still feel guilty.

"Because you feel responsible for what happened. But you're not, okay? I know it's hard. But it's not your fault. And it'll get better."

She's silent but I think knowing that I'm listening helps her a bit. Carter could never make my problems go away. But he could always make me feel better about them.

"Do you want me to take you home?" I ask her as she pulls back slowly.

She shakes her head. "Thank you, but you don't need to."

I know from my own experience that she doesn't mean it. I don't want to let her be alone tonight. "Want me to call Chuck?"

She hesitates a second. "No, he's not at home. As I told you … at the moment I'd rather not be around him too much."

"So you're alone tonight?"

She nods.

"Stay at my place tonight, okay? You know, we could have a pillow fight – not to forget about lesbian experimentation," I say in an attempt to lighten up the situation.

It seems to work, she smiles slightly. "Okay, and thank you for listening."

"Any time," I tell her as we walk towards the El.

***

"We really don't have it easy lately, huh?" she sniffles as she pulls back from my embrace.

I shake my head. "Definitely not," I say, and Carter is on my mind immediately.

"Men can cause a lot of heartache."

I just nod.

She looks into my eyes for a moment and I know what's coming. "Did you … hear from Carter?"

I look down at my hands that are resting in my lap before I look up again and shake my head. "I didn't hear from him since he sent the letter. And I'm not sure that I'll ever hear from him again." I sigh. "I'm not sure that I even _want to hear from him again," I add as I look down again. _

I can feel Susan's eyes on me. She's not buying it. But why should she? I'm not even believing it myself. Of course I want to hear from him. I'm mad, but I can't turn off my feelings for him because of that.

She takes a hold of my hand. "Hey, you know that's not true. And I'm sure he'll be back. He needs time." She pauses a moment. "Don't get me wrong. What he did wasn't right. He just left without explanation – though he knew he'd hurt you with it. But I'm still sure he loves you. Like you love him, right?"

I look up at her and shrug my shoulders. But we both know that the answer is _yes._

Suddenly I realize that it's not about Susan anymore.

"Let's not talk about Carter now. I should be the one comforting you. It shouldn't be the other way around. Not after what happened today," I say and squeeze her hand.

She squeezes my hand back and looks into my eyes. "Abby, I don't want you to hold back your feelings just because I'm having a hard time as well. I'm your friend and you can always talk to me about whatever you need to talk about."

"I know … but you're always there for me. I wanted to give something back to you."

"You did, believe me. It made me feel better to talk to you. And I like to be there for you, too because you're my best friend."

"Thank you," I say and just look at her. 

She's gazing at me intently, like she knows I'm not okay either and that I feel like crying, too. And suddenly I really feel my eyes begin to fill with tears. Usually I have myself under control. I can tell everyone how fine I am without him. But sometimes it's just too hard to hold it back. Especially after a close friend just poured her heart out to you as well.

I can see that she's about to cry again, too as she wraps her arms around me while silent tears run down both our cheeks.

I'm not only crying for Carter, but also for what Susan has to go through right now. And I guess it's the same for her.

"At least _your guy is not dead," she chuckles under her tears. But it only makes me swallow and cry a bit harder when I realize that we don't know that._

But as long as we don't know anything for sure she's right, it could be worse.


End file.
